FUNNY NEW BOOK: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT. . . UNLESS YOU TALK
BY STEPHEN P. MEANS.
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I've read a lot of self help books and normally I don't read introductions, so why am I writing
one? Maybe you like to read introductions, I don't know. You're not me, and if I could read your
mind I might be in the circus. This world certainly is a circus too, but I'm not a mind reader.
Maybe you want to know what qualifies me to write a book about breaking through to a life of
abundance, health, and love. This is a paradoxical question. Being "qualified" to do something
is a gigantic barrier. It's a concrete wall that takes a huge crane and big metal ball just to make a
dent. You'll have to spend a lot of money, get a PhD, and work at least five years with a
psychoanalyst to get one of those, and then you'll also have to work for the rest of your life to
afford to buy an operations manual.
Don't worry about being qualified. With the purchase of this book, I automatically have granted
you a "license" to use the information within to do whatever you want with it, except of course,
resell it without paying me. If you are reading this in a library or the coffee shop of a book store,
good for you. However, as soon as you put the book down you will forget and your "license"
will expire. If you buy this book, you can carry it around. You can tell your friends about it, or
act like a smart ass and quote from it. You can put it in your bookcase and show it off, or put it
on your coffee table and put a cup of coffee on it. If the weather's cold you can burn it in the
fireplace, or you can even resell it at a garage sale ten years from now. If you buy it, it has a
thousand and one uses.
Actually, I don't care what you do with it. I'm already financially secure. Money flows easily to
me, without much effort, because I support the Universe and the Universe supports me in all
that I do. If you scan it by speed reading, if you read it once, if you buy it and take it home, use it
and study it. ( I suggest this.) . . . It doesn't really matter. The words in this book will have a
profound and deep effect on you. They certainly did on me! These words are like magic. This
book is your doorway to another life.
Why you're reading this introduction, I have no idea. Like I said, I'm not a mind reader, but that
does remind me of a Sufi story. The Mulla was waiting at the boarder with his mule. It was hot
and a long wait because the inspector was a very thorough man and he had to check
everybody. When the Mulla reached the hut and the gate, the inspector took one look at Mulla's
clothes and his mule and thought to himself, "He's smuggling something. I will search
everything." Well, this went on and on. Year after year the Mulla crossed the boarder with his
mules, but the inspector never found anything illegal.
Finally, after the inspector retired, he was in a coffee shop and saw the Mulla. "Okay, I'm
retired," he said, "Now, tell me what you were smuggling?" Mulla looked at him. "Why mules, of
Why this introduction? 'Cause I'm sneaking ideas by you without you knowing it.
Wild. Crazy. Stupid. Idiotic! Maybe I am. I don't know. Mom always used to call us that. Until I
was eight, I didn't know my brothers' real names. I called them “Wild” and “Stupid.” Turned out
Mom had three kids and none of them were idiots. Wild is a professional speculator. Stupid's
worth ten million bucks and sits on his ass all day. I'm not crazy and I'm not an idiot, and I don't
have to write books like this for a living. I like to write books.
Well, maybe I am crazy. . . Which reminds me of another story. A young man was looking for the
meaning of life. He heard about a guru on top of Pryramid Peak about twelve thousand feet up.
Well, it was a long hike, sometimes without a trail and metaphorically speaking, more like a
grind. At last, he came to the old one's hut and got on his knees and begged for the answer.
The old man said. "Do you know how a dog poops?" The young man looked quizzical. "Not
"Do you know how a cow poops?" Was this a trick question? "Not sure," replied the young
"Do you know how a horse poops?"
"No." replied the young man.
There was a long pause. The guru jumped up. "You come here and take my time. And you . . ."
"What?" asked the young man.
"You don't know shit!"
Well, dear reader, you're not the seeker and I'm not the guru. In fact, the opposite is true. You're
the guru. I'm nothing and you know everything. I don't know anything and you're the guru
because you know a considerable amount about me already. You know I don't read
introductions, I don't believe in barriers, and I learned everything I know in the restroom of my
forth grade grammar school. That last part's not really true, but I do know a lot of dirty jokes
which is somewhat paradoxical, because jokes depend on timing and in this book I absolutely
prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that time does not exist.
"Beyond a shadow of a doubt." That's a funny statement, if I ever heard one. Think about it.
When you cast a shadow, the light of day is beyond it. But what kind of shadow can doubt
cast? Doubt's empty. It's a state of mind of not believing, which is one hundred percent sure of
not being sure. Maybe when you doubt, you're full of yourself. In that case you'd cast a big
shadow on everything. Thinking about it kind of twists your mind up and wraps it around itself.
Next time you're all twisted, lay on your side with your head on your pillow and say "Wish I
may, I wish I might, wish upon a star tonight. If I should die before I wake, may God my soul to
take." As you lay on your pillow, you will feel a little moisture run out your ear. Oh no. You're
loosing your mind. Sometimes you have to loose your mind to save your soul.
Doesn't matter if you speed read this book or take it home and practice it. (I recommend this.)
You can understand, even as your read these words, the world is changing and you're
changing. My old boss used to say when a pretty girl walked by, and my eyes bulged out of my
head and followed her behind barking up her legs and drooling, he'd always remark: "All cats
are grey in dark." That's what we're doing right now. We're in the dark embracing the cat of
This book's not about change. It's not about how to change. It's not about anything. It's a
blazing hot poker that cauterizes your festering. It's a vice that compresses your self and
produces a self healing salve for your wounds. It's radical. It's innovative. It's a revolution
beyond anything you've ever experienced, and such a sophisticated brand new technological
breakthrough that if you can understand it, send me a note and let me know what it really is
about. Buy my book, read it once, you're cured! Buy it again, read it twice, you're unlimited. Buy
it three times, read it three times, you're nuts and I'm rich.
You Have the Right to Remain Silent . . . Unless you talk . . . Is a humorous book that will make you laugh. It's a philosophy of life in
which you understand what it takes to become experienced, and that's a funny step in the right direction. You can experience
more if you play the #1 wisdom game, ®
WISDOMGAME. play here
Author and Wisdomgame
founder Stephen P. Means.
"This is my philosophy on
life. It's stupid, idiotic, and
dump. Not really. I'm kidding.
Actually it's pretty funny!"
This is a philosophical primer for anyone who has ever tried to figure out what life is really about. For those who have looked into the eye of
Shiva or had the mad reaper of Death pull them from a boiling hot cauldron of acid . . . well, maybe this book's not for you. Otherwise, it's a lot
of fun, it's funny, it's droll and it explains why we do a lot of the stupid things we do. Honestly, Buddha channelled it to me.
FROM THE INTRODUCTION